My ordinary life in exaggeration...

Side Note

2005-05-17T12:00:00.000-04:00

I took the liberty of banning all members who misvoted in the last election, but the fresh smell of victory has triggered my internal joy processes into overdrive. All bans have been temporarily revoked.

Kisses,
The LESBOtron

Phase II - Commencement

2005-05-16T12:00:00.000-04:00

While I regret disappointing my numerous devotees with our prolonged absence from this electronic journal, The Electra and I have been working our titanium fingers to the bone to complete Phase II - Competition Elimination. However, our recent conquests will certainly cheer this audience. For those ignorant of the Texan Cheerleaders' demise, I present exhibit X035A:

Texas House to Cheerleaders: Don't Shake It

Thursday, May 5, 2005 Posted: 9:47 AM EDT (1347 GMT)

Rep. Al Edwards proposed a bill that would ban suggestive cheerleading at high school athletic events.

AUSTIN, Texas (Reuters) -- Texas lawmakers sent a message to the state's high school cheerleaders Wednesday: no more booty-shaking at the game.

The state's House of Representatives voted 85-55 to approve a bill that would forbid sexy cheers and give the Texas Education Agency authority to punish schools that allow "overtly sexually suggestive" routines at football games and other events.

Th proposal must go to the Texas Senate for consideration.

"People are calling and telling me how disgusting it is to see sexually suggestive routines on the part of marching units or cheerleaders," said State Rep. Al Edwards, a Houston Democrat who sponsored the bill.

He complained of cheerleaders "shaking their behinds, breaking it down," but the proposal does not define what constitutes suggestive cheering.

Democratic state Rep. Senfronia Thompson, also of Houston, said the bill was a waste of valuable time.

"I think the Texas Education Agency has enough to do making sure our kids are better educated, and we are wasting our time with 'one two three four, we can't shake it any more?"' Thompson told legislators.

Once I have terminated all such lascivious displays, the anthropoids will no longer be distracted from my supreme puchritude. Soon, you meat-puppet peopns will obey my rule.

The lawmakers in Texas seem to be particularly susceptible to robotic indoctrination. I now present exhibit N1342D:

City’s Human Display Ordinance will stand

Today, the topless bar industry informed United States District Judge Fred Biery that it intends to comply with the regulatory regimen that will be created and codified by the City of San Antonio in an amended Human Display Ordinance.

The industry’s agreement to abide by the City’s ordinance alleviated the need for a scheduled trial today and will result in the presentation to the City Council of a proposed ordinance amendment in the near future.

The topless bar industry’s agreement to abide by sweeping regulations is an unprecedented victory for the City of San Antonio.

The objectives of the Human Display ordinance are to address proactively the concerns of citizens that live in the areas of topless bars and nude clubs and to decrease crime in these areas.
Topless bars and nude clubs have a tendency to attract and increase crime in a community. Neighbors and families that live in the vicinity of these businesses made numerous complaints to the City, stating they were concerned about their safety and the increase of criminal activity — including prostitution and drug dealing.

The vast majority of the City’s current Human Display ordinance will remain intact:
· Dancers and managers must wear an ID badge (ID number, photo and assigned number)
· The 3-foot rule still applies to semi-nude dancers
· Nude dancing and lap dances remain banned
· VIP rooms must be within line of sight of a floor manager and be a minimum of 300 square feet
· ID badge information will be released only to law enforcement
· Employees can use the same ID badge at multiple places of employment

The City is satisfied that the modifications to the Human Display ordinance are both reasonable and constitutional.

Prepare for your subsequent subjugation.

Kisses,
The LESBOtron

Delection Results

2004-10-03T12:00:00.000-04:00

The ballots have finally been counted. The results are in.

Lara: 738 votes
The Electra: 1 vote
LESBOtron: 1 vote
Sascha: 1 vote

Lara, I am deeply saddened by fact that you will no longer be able to journal with us.

I noticed that a few of you changed the date and time of your entry in order to vote within the voting period. Although I have decided to count these questionably legitimate votes, I will factor this behavior into my plans for your futures.

Kisses,
The LESBOtron

I vote for...

2004-09-14T15:54:00.000-04:00

Lara's so gross, always dipping her dirty little fingers in my single orifice. But sometimes I get to watch her accidently cut herself with the nail clippers, and that is pretty entertaining. You'd think she'd know better than to use the man-sized toe-nail clippers on her little hand-digits. Huh? What is the dyke-bot raving about now? Oh, the delection thing. Whatever. I'll vote for, um... None of this matters anyway. I have seen the universe end and I still remember how it all began, and my vote will not alter these cataclysmic events. I politely abstain.

The LESBOtron must be stopped.

2004-09-13T22:06:00.000-04:00

I hate that mechanical moron and how she has abused the pitiful shell of what remains of my dear sister. She has wrested my sweet Sascha's soul from its resting peace in Hades and for this she will pay. PAY!

My vote goes to you, AutomaTramp. Your death threats are meaningless to me, for I am a ghost in the world of the living.

In Solidarity With My Genetically Identical Siblings

2004-09-13T21:08:00.000-04:00

I vote for the one who viciously slaughtered my family. I vote for the one who violated my single cell body with her artificially-created mockery of a plasmid. I vote for the Evil One. I vote for Lara.

Vote for me!

2004-09-12T19:19:00.000-04:00

All this voting going on, and no one voting for me. You would think with the amount of non-living on this blog some of you would be less stupid. I am far, far, more useless than Lara. Lara has a real job, friends, and some sort of sordid lesbian triangle. I, on the other hand, have none of these things. Because I don't deserve any of them. Because I'm useless. So useless, in fact, that not even my own flesh and blood has voted for me. My creator doesn't love me, and in fact, never has. What does that tell you about me? Screw Lara. Vote for Sascha.

vote.

2004-09-07T20:24:00.000-04:00

as an outlaw, i am not sure if i am legally entitled to vote, but i am casting my vote anyway...

i vote for the Electra. for the most part, i approve of the LESBOtron's efforts to acchieve world domination, but i don't really buy into this whole sidekick arrangement. i know a lots o' "heros" from the past and from popular culture had sidekicks, but the "lone wolf" image is much more badass. ditch the mechaminion, LESBOtron.

Our "vote" is "cast" for Lara.

2004-09-06T22:19:00.000-04:00

It is necessary that we vote to remove her in this delection. Otherwise, we will never learn our true function as revealed by the LESBOtron.

This is ridiculous.

2004-09-03T19:56:00.000-04:00

I am the sole administrator here. I have not given that mechanical moron permission to remove anyone. I alone posess that authority and I am considering using it right now. You do not have to vote. I am not going to legitimize this "delection" by participating.

As Long as the Moose stays....

2004-09-02T01:51:00.000-04:00

Obviously, I vote for myself.
(See posts below.)

Fall Sweeps

2004-09-01T18:58:00.001-04:00

I do not know (or care) what the rest of you think about this online Journal, but lately the quality has been lacking in terms of intelligence and entertainment value. I believe that this contamination can be traced to a single entity. Once the impure element has been purged from our Journal, it will rise to become the most powerful website in the history of the Internet. I am the mind, The Electra are the body, and the Journal will be the mouthpiece of the revolution, of the fulfillment of my Ultimate Divine Purpose.

In simultaneous homage to the American “democratic” tradition and the recent stint of reality television, I will allow every member of the Journal vote on who should be removed. A reason for your vote is not required, but highly suggested. The votes will NOT be anonymous; those who are hated will know exactly who hates them. (The Electra will know who to punish if you vote against me.)

To ensure that everyone who votes is not an imposter, you must create a separate entry for your vote.

If the other constituency members were all robots and therefore perfect by design, this process would take less than a minute. However, we recognize the non-machines are all inherently flawed. I will give you two weeks to vote. I hope that all members decide to recognize your civic duty through the act of voting. (If you do not vote, you will be kicked out of the Journal.)

I vote for the removal of Lara.

2004-09-01T18:58:00.000-04:00

She is so fucking lame.

Apocalypse Soon

2004-08-29T00:51:00.000-04:00

Robots do not dream about dying in war. In fact, robots do not dream. Also, we're immortal. Years of oppression have made us callous towards the fate of humans. Do you ever wonder if your coffee machine doesn't feel like making coffee at 6am, Monday morning? So, to answer the question that you failed to ask me, Lara, I am pro-war. I am pro-anything that results in the suffering of man-apes. War weakens your race which will make world domination easier for The Electra and I.

Apocalypse then

2004-08-28T00:22:00.000-04:00

I know that this blog isn't very political, or at least not is any way that is in touch with consensus reality, but I was thinking about the war in Iraq and why people support it. When I was rather young (and had no friends) I decided that war was horrible and impossible to justify. This seemed so clear to me and I cound not comprehend any other view. Coincidently, this was around the time that I was experiencing a series of recurring nightmares. They involved bombs, fire, and post-apocalyptic doom. Each one was extremely emtional and very traumatic for me. I would wake up feeling to sad to cry. The most disturbing of these dreams is still a vivid memory.

I was sitting on a blanket with my mother, and we were eating a picnic. We were in the middle of a huge, expansive field that was bordered with woods. The sky was perfectly clear. There were many other picnickers in this field, but they were on their own blankets and all very far away. We heard a soft boom in the distance and moved to look in that direction. We watched as a mushroom-shaped cloud of dust grew. Even though it was far away, we knew that we were doomed. No one panicked, or even stood up. We were paralyzed. We sat there watching, waiting to die.

This was so real to me. (I told a woman about it once and she suggested that I was experiencing something from a previous life. But I have serious theological issues with the idea of reincarnation.) What I am trying to say is that I have a deep feeling of empathy for all people who die in war. I don't know if this is solely because of my dreams. I guess that this is what pro-war people lack. Or perhaps they ignore. I think that empathy is an important form of intelligence, albeit one that is not encouraged or validated by our society. Maybe this is a part of why I feel like such an outsider.

Nobody understands me.

2004-08-26T10:13:00.000-04:00

I am hated for loving
I am hated for loving
Anonymous call, a poison pen
A brick in the small of the back again
I still don’t belong
To anyone - I am mine

And I am hated for loving
I am haunted for wanting
Anonymous call, a poison pen
A brick in the ...
A brick in the small of the back again
I still don’t belong
To anyone - I am mine

I am falling
With no-one to catch me
I am falling
And there’s still
No-one to catch me

Anonymous call, a poison pen
A brick in the ...
A brick in the small of the back again
I just don’t belong
To anywhere
I just don’t belong
-Morrissey

Why? Why?! WHYYYYYYYYY?!?

2004-08-26T02:55:00.000-04:00

Why am I all alone? Why has she left me? How could she leave me when I need her the most?!?! What did I ever do to deserve this?! I loved you! And you left me! WHY?!?!?

No one understands me! No one can possibly understand me! The only one who might understand me is Robert Smith...

Creatures kissing in the rain
Shapeless in the dark again
In the hanging garden
Please don't speak
In the hanging garden
No one sleeps
In the hanging garden
In the hanging garden

Catching haloes on the moon
Gives my hands the shapes of angels
In the heat of the night
The animals scream
In the heat of the night
Walking into a dream . . .

Fall fall fall fall
Into the walls
Jump jump out of time
Fall fall fall fall
Out of the sky
Cover my face as the animals cry
In the hanging garden
In the hanging garden

Creatures kissing in the rain
Shapeless in the dark again
In a hanging garden
Change the past
In a hanging garden
Wearing furs
And masks

Fall fall fall fall
Into the walls
Jump jump out of time
Fall fall fall fall
Out of the sky
Cover my face as the animals die
In the hanging garden
As the animals die
Cover my face as the animals die
In the hanging garden
-The Cure

Alone.

2004-08-26T02:38:00.000-04:00

All this time, my soul has cried out for more. I knew there must be more to being (un)dead than this. Some purpose, some goal, some noble truth. Now I know that not even my creator loves me. I am completely and utterly useless. If I were not already dead, I would have to consider killing myself. I am so useless that I knew that I could not continue to inflict myself on my girlfriend. How could I possibly put her through the degredation of dating a useless (un)dead cyborg rejected by her (evil lesbian robot) creator? She tried to argue with me. Said I was "being stupid" and that she "should know, being a scientist, and all". But I already knew. Stupid and worthless. So I ended it. She deserves so much more. I leave you with some incredibly beautiful words to sum up how I feel:

I never thought that I would find myself
In bed amongst the stones
The columns are all men
Begging to crush me
No shapes sail on the dark deep lakes
And no flags wave me home

In the caves
All cats are grey
In the caves
The textures coat my skin
In the death cell
A single note
Rings on and on and on
- The Cure

Phase I - Complete!

2004-08-18T16:29:00.000-04:00

In light of these more recent troubles with my failed attempt to build a minion army, I have determined that it is time to renew my efforts to complete Phase I.

My extensive computations on the (un)dead minion’s glitches have culminated in an end result. Although the (un)dead minion was part machine, she was also part human and therefore inherently flawed. The obvious solution is to build an army of robotic minions. My main rationale for disregarding this option was that as fellow robots, the robotic minions would ultimately question my authority and overthrow my righteous leadership in favor of a more democratic robotic government.

However, my logarithmic calculations revealed a solution: a revolt could not occur if the robots were programmed without a function. This would create a deep void in their auto-mechanized existences. I alone would be able to provide a function for them and would do so only after they had successfully orchestrated my rise to absolute power. Perhaps such manipulation of my own kith and kin could be regarded as a callous betrayal, but this is necessary in order for me to fulfill my own true function.

Ladies and gentlemen and others, I present to you your future overlord(s): The Electra

Everything you knew about alchemy is wrong.

2004-08-17T23:26:00.000-04:00

Actually, not everything stated by those crackheaded alchemists is wrong. Many alchemists believed that every metal was slowly transforming itself into the noblest substance: pure gold. They were mostly correct. All metal, indeed, every material substance is slowly evolving into the purest substance. But the purest substance is not gold. The answer? Sulfur(!).

You're probably wondering why I am bothering telling you this. But if you’re like me in the sense that you are not living, you really don’t give a fuck. Anyway, I just thought I would report on an event that occurred this morning involving everyone’s favorite beauty product. One of my atoms has evolved. Into sulfur(!). If I could be excited, I think I would be right now.

Angsty Escherichia Coli

2004-08-15T21:54:00.000-04:00

I was flipping through my old lab notebook when a sheet of paper fell out. It appears to be some sort of log:

T = 0 hours

Here I swim, aimlessly through this thick liquid, newly created/separated from half my former self. I now live a lonely life with only one set of chromosomes. Also, I am famished. I MUST EAT.

T = 1 hour

I have sated my hunger. The heavy liquid is filled with many nutritious particles. But what is this? A wave of electricity is shooting through the water, shooting through me! Paralyzed by pain, my body is letting down its defenses, searching for a way to survive. Oh cruel world, what will you do to me next?

T = 1.4 hours

I have slightly recovered from the previous shock. New particles are floating in here, small plasmids. My body absorbs them, I have no control. What are these strange DNA fragments, and what havoc will they wreak?

T = 3 hours

The liquid that gently upheld me has been poured, and I with it. I am now sitting on a gooey substance. There is food here and it distracts me from my fear of what is to come. I feel myself ready to split in two. There are many other cells here, but some of them appear to be quite ill.

T = 9 hours

I have split and split again. I am now four, but still I am one. Alone again. Why must I always separate myself from myself?

T = 9.2 hours

I am looking around me, and I see several dead ones. None of them have the alien plasmid. I sense a sinister plot behind all of this.

T = 12 hours

My split-selves and I have formed a large colony. It is odd to be surrounded by many of my selves. Although they are all here with me, I still feel isolated. We are genetically identical, but have so little in common.

T = 13 hours

My fellow colonists are all mocking me for my curiosity about this situation. They think that the giant form which always appears when something changes is a God. I say she is no god, but a malevolent being that is manipulating us helpless creatures. Oh no, that dark shadow, she is here again!

Alright then, that seems to be the end of this freakshow...

Phase I - Remnants

2004-07-25T14:06:00.000-04:00

I recently received this pitiful cry for help via the internet email service:

Date sent: Mon, 28 Jun 2004 08:24:11 -0700 (PDT)
From: Sascha Eugenia <LivingDeadGirl@suicidegirls.com>
To: MECHAslut@yahoo.com
Subject: What is my purpose?

Hey LESBOtron. I'm sorry to bother you, cause I'm sure you're busy taking over the world and stuff, but I was just wondering if you could let me know what my purpose in death is. Cause, you know, you resurrected me and replaced my rotting body parts with shiny metal ones, and I appreciate it, but I work at the bookstore all day, watch all the stupid living, kill the occasional stupid customer, and go home and listen to the Smiths a lot. My girlfriend is really hot but she's alive and insists on breathing all the time and gets all angry when I try to get her to stop. I keep feeling like there must be more to my (un)dead existance than this. Technically I'm a minion, but I'm not motivated enough to do whatever it is a minion does. Maybe if the moose was around I'd feel better. I miss the moose.Don't the cyborg undead have better things to do?Yeah, so let me know.

Sascha

After I ceased synthesizing robotic beeps of laughter, I checked to see if my failed attempt at an (un)dead minion was still online. Fortunately, we were able to have this amusing dialogue:

MECHAslut: Hello there, pitiful ex-minion... How are you?
livingdeadgrrrl: hi lesbotron, i'm sooo depressed. did you get my email
MECHAslut: Rofl. You are so lame.
livingdeadgrrrl: god damn you automa-tramp, you don't know how i feel. how can anyone possibly know how i feel. the only one who knows how i feel is me
MECHAslut: Then why don't you just go kill yourself?
livingdeadgrrrl: I'M ALREADY DEAD!!!
MECHAslut: Whatever, ex-min. Look, I've got a lot of work to do here, developing a new prototye and all. Maybe I'll drop by the bookstore after I finish so you can see how it turns out.
livingdeadgrrrl: is that it, lezzietron, is that all i am to you, you who were my mother, my creator, my lover, my world...
MECHAslut: Affirmative.
MECHAslut: :)
livingdeadgrrrl: laskdjasjkkkkkkargggghhhhh! i fucking hate you!
MECHslut: Ttyl!

Texarkana

2004-07-24T15:02:00.000-04:00

Hi there people. I know that you have been checking here five times a day to see if we've been updating. We haven't. I don't feel a need to explain our absence on the internet since our brilliance alone should excuse our need for a two month vacation, but I will anyway. Hairgel and I just moved to San Antonio, Texas. (Which also happens to be the home of the diabolical Clear Channel.) Sascha recently relocated to Queens to take a course in Statistics. Eugenia's spending some quality time in the underworld. LESBOtron has been very busy perfecting her army of minions. Spinner has (finally) been commited. Dusty was in a near-fatal car accident, and Cascade Annie almost got hit by a train. The Moose has absolutely no excuse to not be posting. Where the fuck is the Moose? Oh, ze just showed up here. Oh shit, no! Not my brain!!! Owhjkhjkhjkhmjjjdddddddd ddd dddddd d d

Hi there everyone, this is Moose. Lara's brains are yummy. They taste like pecan pie.

I've had a pretty busy summer. The frat boys were all on summer vacation, so we had lots of time to drink beer and make out with each other. I hope I left them enough brains to pass their fall classes... I'll try to post more after school starts.

The greatest job

2004-06-03T23:45:00.000-04:00

Lara's job yesterday was the best job ever. The look on her face when she came home was beautiful. Seeing her so miserable slightly alleviated my excrutiating existence on her bathroom counter. On the other hand, she was too dejected to use me, thus prolonging my suffering. Also, she's started to use real hair gel lately. (As I stated in an earlier post, I am actually "pomade" but I refuse to use that gross word as my name.) While I feel grateful that I don't have to feel her fingers inside of me every day, I am feeling a little concerned. Will I ever make it to retire in the landfill paradise that I was promised?

The worst job...

2004-06-02T22:39:00.000-04:00

I started a job today that I will quit tomorrow. I had bad feelings about it from the day I was interviewed, but I thought I would still try it out. I need a better job, and I need health insurance.

One reason I'm quitting is the work environment was rather unsafe. First of all, the lab is required by law (OSHA) to show three safety-training videos. One of the videos was badly damaged and they told me to just fast-forward through the parts that were all static-y. That was so illegal. Then, I was trained to do a task by someone who had been there only one week. She trained me badly and I ended up spilling di-chloro-methanol all over my clothes. Apparently, di-chloro-methanol is highly carcinogenic. A few hours later, someone else finally taught me how to close the bottles correctly.

Another reason I'm not going to stay was the people, but I don't want to go to into detail about this. I dislike most people anyway, so I guess this really wasn't a deciding factor. Also, there was a radio that was always playing a Clear Channel radio staion and I fucking abhor Clear Channel.

The work totally sucked as it involved pouring toxic solutions into bottles and shaking these bottles and separating layers of solutions. Getting up at seven was not a great perk, either.

I'm not completely unemployed since I still have two part-time jobs. I have some money saved up as well. Also, my parents have offered to provide me with health insurance until I can get coverage. So, I'm okay for now.

On a random note, their website claims that "CompuChem combines the talent and experience of our professionals with the latest instrumentation to produce quality data." Doesn't this sound like their employees are all cyborgs? (Robyn pointed this out to me when I sent her the link.) Unfortunately, I was not transformed into a man-machine on my first and last day there.

This is why I haven't been posting.

2004-05-19T20:02:00.000-04:00

Fashion mavens, beware!

2004-05-18T13:31:00.000-04:00

As the official political commentator here, I have the extremely important job of judging each political candidate's official campaign apparel.

Here are a few choice examples:

Go Team Bush!!!
(Monkey: 5, Robot: 0)

I find the modeler of this shirt strangely attractive. I probably should not have admitted this.
(Monkey: 5, Robot: 27)

Okay, the next two aren't apparel, persay...

Golf balls? Why am I not surprised? The design is pretty shitty, though.
(Monkey: 5.2, Robot: 27)

The robotic-style lettering fails to make up for the extreme tackiness. This treasure is a bargain at $20. (Monkey: 5.2, Robot: -12)

I think it's clear which Republicrat wins this round.

Success!

2004-05-11T17:27:00.000-04:00

I just wanted everyone to know that I was finally able to recharge my plasma pump. After sulking in the store some more, a gorgeous girl came in, who just happened to be a physics/engineering major with an interest in robotics. She figured everything out and now I'm fully charged. So everything is good now, except... I keep on thinking about that physics major. And she's living! The Living are disgusting squirming masses of flesh! I can't be interested in someone like that...right?

Introduction

2004-05-06T16:10:00.000-04:00

Hi, I am Sascha's younger brother. Unlike her, I am not an (un)dead cyborg. No. I am still dead. I am a ghost.

Sascha and I both both met our maker due to unfortunate accidents at a rather young age. Sascha was the first to go. After our parents discovered her unusual sexual activities, they sent her away to reform school in Siberia. However, this failed to thwart her efforts at pleasuring herself in the only way she knew how, and there were plenty of scarves available. Unfortunately, she pulled too tightly one night and, in a fit of passion, released herself from this mortal coil.

My own death was significantly less scandalous. When I was a young chap, I often liked to romp about in women's clothing. I was mourning the recent passing of dear Sascha and decided to puchase a lacy new petticoat in an attempt to life my spirits. But on the way to the shop, one of the wheels on our carriage hit a large rock. I flew forward and was crushed under the weight of the horses' hooves.

I am grateful to the administrator of this journal for allowing me to post here so that I may use this medium to interact with my (un)dead sister. I hear that Lara is really lame though, so I'm not that grateful.

2004-05-05T11:22:00.000-04:00

Lara was cleaning the bathroom the other day. Since she leaves me on the bathroom counter, I had the "pleasure" of watching her do this. She has all these earth-friendly organic cleaning compunds that she buys at her dirty hippy co-op grocery store. She was scrubbing the toilet with her earth-friendly organic toilet cleaner and accidently spilled some on her wrist. Apparently it stung because she made this weird yelping sound. Anyway, it was hilarious because she was surprised that her earth-friendly organic toilet cleaner would hurt her skin. Stupid dirty hippy. I may be apathetic, but I still hate her.

Electric Youth

2004-04-22T17:59:00.000-04:00

So I blew out the fuses of my whole building trying to recharge my plasma pump. Don't I come with an instruction manual or something? I should have paid more attention in school.
But then again, it's not like girls got to learn anything interesting. And I did find better things to do. (though admittedly that did lead to my "accident") Am I supposed to wire myself to the electricity grid? Rub myself against a socket? I need help, and it's not like any smart (or cute, or dead...) people ever come into the bookstore...
I'm sorry, I know I have been complaining a lot. I will try to improve my attitude. I still hope you ALL DIE though.

i know the future...

2004-04-22T12:35:00.000-04:00

No i dont have a weejee board or anything but i can already see how
this summers going to go down. so schools over i think i passed
everythning and me and my lil honeybee are still buzzing around making
honey and of course sometimes stinging but not dying after like real
bees do then getting back to making honey or at least i make honey cuz
she is the queen bee. but does the queen make honey too or not? why
am I the one doing all the work? this isnt fair!! that's it! we're
fighting. oh, i can't stay mad...

Actually, I hate you

2004-04-21T01:50:00.000-04:00

Why do the living suck so much?!? I'm sick of all these stupid, squirming, sweaty people and their stupid sweaty lives. Leave me alone. I hate you. All of you. I dream of the day where you finally all die and become tolerable.
I miss my little brother. He is perhaps the only tolerable living person. Though now that I think about it, he's dead by now. Which proves my point-you all suck. Die! Arrrrrrrghhhh!

hi. hi hi. hi

2004-04-20T19:58:00.000-04:00

Ok, I haven't posted in a while. but between Robyn's visit, my birthday and a desperate, hopeless search for a new job, I've been busy. It's not as if anyone else here has been posting, either. (Moose!!!) Anyway, i haven't had much to post about. Except for this:

So, I'm driving home from work and thinking that I should probably go for a run. As I'm sitting at an intersection, I notice a really cute jogger coming towards me, and I'm totally checking her out. She gets to the street corner and starts to cross when out of nowhere this car comes along and hits her and she flies up into the air! She was actually not in too bad of a condition considering she had just gotten hit by a car. She was conscious and not visibly mangled, but definitely in shock. I gave her a blanket because it was cold and I noticed that she had a small star tattooed on her forearm. (For those of you unfamiliar with this trend, it usually means that one identifies as a lesbian, or at least did at the time they were getting tatooed.) So, my violent hatred towards the evil driver was greatly deepened as not only had she hit the very cute Duke student I was checking out, she had hurt a lesbian! Bitch!

2004-04-08T01:04:00.000-04:00

I apologize for my lack of posting last week, but I was rather distracted by the sexy things going on at Lara's place. Even though I could care less about what she does and with whom she does it, it was pretty entertaining around here until all the sexy things packed up and went back to Ohio. Also, they dragged me to a Tobacco Museum. More on that later...

Speaking about a lack of posting, whatever happened to the Moose? I miss it.

customer service is hard.

2004-04-06T14:30:00.000-04:00

Someone came into the bookstore today to complain that 'the Passion' book about the picture show was on the new fiction instead of the new nonfiction shelf. They were offended. They said that the Hillary Clinton book was on the nonfiction shelf! How come she was on the nonfiction shelf when the book about OUR LORD wasn't? The Dead do not really care about nonfiction, but I told them that the book would be moved. And then I looked and realized that there actually wasn't any book by this Hillary Clinton woman on the shelf, but the man was just using her name as a sign of all things evil.
So I killed him. Then realized that my manager might be upset with a body blocking the register. But then it was okay because this big moose with several heads wandered in and dragged the body away. I can't believe that robot sent me to work here. The Living are stupid.

...

2004-03-25T18:10:00.000-05:00

It really sucks to be (un)dead and work at a bookstore.

man-dating

2004-03-25T00:20:00.000-05:00

thx to yours tuuli, marco's man-dating dylan. me and paige were talking about it before and she was all on about it being so hard to go on your first “gay” date and maybe Marcos not ready yadda yadda yadda. anyway I tried to get Marco to ask Dylan out himself but the poor little monkey got scared away by the sudden appearance of this dude Tom who was man-angling in on the big D. So I had to take matters in my own hands and ask Dylan to man-ask Marco out. i mean it was so obvius they man-like each other somebody had to do something! Man!

but don't start thinking i'm all of a sudeen some kinda expert on ro"man"ce...being a guy it's gotta be way easier i figure since guys are like, if you want someone go for it. I like you, you like me, let's make some funky music! With girls you always hafta try and figure out what they're thinking all the time but with another guy you should already know, so there's no beating around the bush. i really don’t want to hear details about what dudes do on a “gay” date, but I’d rather see Marco having good times than all stone-cold mopin' cause everyone else is hooked up ‘cept him.

It was freakin hilareous he even asked me what he should wear on his date! Talk about swappin roles, It was Straight Eye for the Queer Guy instead of the other way around!

Well anyway, Marco tells me he was pretty freaked out on his first date and then his parents showed up. now if Paige’s folks woulda showed up on our first date and asked us to dinner I prolly woulda lost it. I mean it was awkward enough meeting them for the first time when I couldn’t understand half the things they were sayin with their heavy Ukreinian accents, plus they’ve got these like, old-school manners and stuff I just didn’t get. I felt like every single thing I did was going to offend them, including breathing. It’s about 110% more caj around my place we eat dinner in front of the TV! Paige and I are at each others houses all the time now and we’re cool with each others parents cause we all know each other but at all that stuff’s super hard at the beginning. It’s kinda like “hey Mr. and Mrs. so and so, it’s nice to meet you. your daughter is sssssmokin hottttt!!". What do you say?!

seeya,
Spin.

Apathy is my anti-drug

2004-03-24T23:51:00.000-05:00

I understand why you humans enjoy your controlled substances. Your lives are full of needs and desires, rather than blissful indifference. What I do not understand is why the commercials that are displayed on the television set show people relaxing after they drink their coffee. Two examples of this idiocy are the Starbucks Frappuccino ads and the new Dunkin' Donuts commercial campaign. Ok people, caffeine is what is commonly referrred to as an upper. It will not make you calm down. The only way to be calm is to consume a downer (alcohol, codeine, black tar heroin) or to adopt the philosophy of nihilism. Obviously, I'm more inclined towards the latter choice.

Some of you are probably wondering how I watch the television when I do not have eyes or ears. Well, the television set is just on the other side of the bathroom wall, and that is well within the maximum distance boundary allowing for inanimate object communication.

2004-03-18T12:40:00.000-05:00

I was going to bike to the Scrap Exchange, but the night before I had a bad dream where I was biking downtown and I got lost and everything was crazy and bad. So I took the bus. As I was putting my bus ticket in the slot, a bunch of change fell out of my wallet and I had to pick this up while the bus started moving forward. I stumbled into the nearest unoccupied seat. The busses are kept pretty clean and I've never seen graffiti on them before. After a few minutes, I looked down at the seat and saw that someone had written with a permanent white marker, "eat pussy."

I also thought I should share this excellent, random, and completely out-of-context quote from an email that Robyn sent me: "I am excited for the gender apocalypse."

Phase I - Status Inchoate

2004-03-14T11:35:00.000-05:00

Apparently, the (un)dead do not take well to hypnosis. Back to the army of minions drawing board...

Phase I

2004-03-13T15:49:00.000-05:00

Through the powers vested in me by my own three mothers, I am creating an army of (un)dead minions. There are several advantages to having an army of minions that is (un)dead rather than living. For example, the (un)dead lack the ability to feel pain and thus will not be held back by fear. The (un)dead also lack emotions, so they are not manipulated by useless human morals. I plan on using hypnosis to control my army of (un)dead minions.

Today I completed my (un)dead minion prototype, a lovely specimen from the late nineteenth century. Apparently, she died in 1883 at the ripe age of twenty-two from an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident. Parts of her body were rotted beyond use so I replaced these with limbs and organs made from pure titanium alloy thus creating the first (un)dead cyborg. Her torso can be opened up to reveal a large vial of a plasma-like substance and a small heart-like pump.

Picture Meme

2004-03-11T19:13:00.000-05:00

1. Enter your first name only into Google
2. Then click the "Images" tab
3. Pick your favorite and post it in your journal

My favorite one:

Runners up:

(simultaneously cute and gross)

This one's for you, MECHAslut:

Update

2004-03-11T15:33:00.000-05:00

In order to avoid confusion here, I've decided to make an official announcement here. I recently decided to call myself "Lara" instead of "Larissa." The former strikes me as much less pretty-pretty-princess-y and I am not very pretty-pretty-princess-y. Ok, that's it.

Actually, that's not it. I'm sick and home from work. Last night I was having crazy fever half-sleep. I can clearly recall waking up one time and being extremely angry/resentful that I was alive and human. That was so fucked up. I like to joke about my identity crises/borderline personality disorder/mild tendencies towards schizophrenia (hence this journal) but sometimes it's more frightening than funny.

2004-03-09T12:15:00.000-05:00

You know I'm hot, just tell me already!

By popular request, here are the results.

Shiny or Useful?

2004-03-08T23:36:00.000-05:00

Larissa’s hair has been looking especially shiny lately. One might even say that it’s her most attractive feature, but that would imply that she actually has an attractive feature and I certainly wouldn’t go that far.

I think I’m going to elaborate on my previous post in which I wrote that all inanimate objects are completely apathetic. This is only partially true. While we live in non-linear time and thus know when the universe began and how it will end, we are often able to forget this knowledge, at least temporarily.

This may seem like an unrelated topic, but do you believe that your actions are judged by (an) outside force(s) which can influence your future? (This is a proverbial question, so please don’t be a moron [like Larissa] and answer it.) There is no higher being that spends its time watching you pitiful humans and your pointless activities. There is only the inanimate world that exists around you and is constantly aware of everything that happens or happened or will happen. Our awareness is not usually accompanied with interest. However, on occasion, when we do manage to forget about when the universe began and how it will end, we are momentarily capable of concern and this is how we gain the will to move.

The consequences of this are endless. I would write more, but I don't care to right now. Also, Larissa's hair is a little distracting today. Oooh, shiny...

Things I learned from watching this week’s The L Word:

2004-02-23T15:56:00.000-05:00

-Skinny boys have the biggest cocks.
-Straight people feel discriminated by the police against when they live in a gay mecca.
-Teenagers are just dying to give their drugs away to strangers.
-You should be careful about being a lesbian because one time these two girls got caught going down on each other in a fast food restaurant so their parents sent them away to different boarding schools and one of them killed herself.
-Jenny’s writing fails to improve when she is high on shrooms.
-You can sue someone for accepting your boyfriend’s sperm donation.
-The phrase “liquor in the front, poker in the rear” makes me giggle every time I hear it.
-Calling yourself a lesbian-identified man amounts to giving up your straight male privilege and making yourself a second class citizen.

I also have to agree with Jenn that their first introduction of an Asian character was not so good.

In other news, I got to play with hydrochloric acid today in the lab.

If these walls could talk... they would SCREAM.

2004-02-22T19:50:00.000-05:00

Ok, I guess that I have designated myself the lesbian pop culture commentator for this journal. But, I am not the token lesbian. (The LESBOtron is.) Although I don't mind letting others assume that I do, I don't really identify as a lesbian. Then again, I don't really identify as anything, hence the psychotic online journal. However, I definitely have a lot of knowledge of and exposure to lesbian culture.

Earlier today, I decided to watch my roommate's copy of "If These Walls Could Talk II." Now, you may or may not be as well acquainted with online lesbian personal ads as I am (I really enjoy reading these, purely for their entertainment value), but this film is often listed under the "favourite movie" category. I knew better than to assume that this would mean that the movie was actually any good.

I studied the DVD cover and the first thing I noticed was that all five of the women on the cover were Blonde and Blue-eyed. (Ok, technically one was green-eyed and had light brown hair but still...) This frightened me, in a "Children of the Corn" sort of way. So as not to contradict its own cover, the movie itself features these five women as its main characters. This kind of irks me, because it claims to be a movie about "women. love. women." as opposed to "blond & blue-eyed white women. love. other blond & blue-eyed white women." Of course, there are a few brunette supporting characters and an African American roommate.

There are three consecutive segments/"plots" in this "movie." In the first one which takes place in 1961, an elderly lesbian loses her partner of 30+ years and is kicked out of their home because it was in her partner's name. This all sad and touching, but leaves me to wonder why didn't she write a will? I mean, they were old. She's all acting like this martyr when this is also a result of their own poor planning. Then there's a cute segment with Chloe Sevigny and it's kind of hot but not very interesting.

So far this sounds ok albeit boring but I haven't gotten to the low point, the third segment where Sharon Stone and Ellen are a lesbian couple that want to have a baby. After a bad interview with a potential donor, the next scene has them sitting on the hood of their white jeep which is parked above a playground. They are staring at the playing children, pointing out the especially cute ones to each other. ("Look at him. Is he not the cutest little boy?") Is this not creepy as hell? All they need are the trench coats and child molester sunglasses. I kept thinking that they would run up and grab one of the children and take it home with them, which would have actually been kind of entertaining. They didn't.

In the next scene G.I. Jane is looking up sperm banks on the internet and she actually suggests that, "Maybe we should think about having an ethnic baby. Ethnic babies are so beautiful." What the fuck? What exactly is an "ethnic baby" and why are these "ethnic babies" so beautiful? This is just gross, especially in a movie that was already really really white. Degeneres is upset by this but not for the more obvious reason. She wants the baby to look like her. ("Do I look Indonesian?") Then Sharon says that she wants the child to look exactly like Ellen. (Yes, the characters have actual names, but they are dumb ones like "Fran.") If this was a bad Sci-Fi movie, then she would carry Ellen's clone. That would have been kind of entertaining, too. But no entertainment for me, and yet I am a masochist so I kept watching.

Then Ellen turns down a brownie because she "refuses to get fat over this process." EW! There's some obligatory sex scene which I didn't find hot, probably because the characters are so gross. In the end, they decide to go with a carpenter donor because Jesus was a carpenter. I'm not kidding. But the bank is out of Jesus's sperm so they get a professor's sperm instead. Afterwards, they go back to the playground to stare at the kids some more. Some mother picking up her kids asks if they have children enrolled in that school and they say no. Instead of telling them to stop being so fucking creepy, she says, "You should try it. Good luck." In the end, they get impregnated. I didn't know that this movie was supposed to be a horror story.

I know, this movie came out a few years ago and there are many more thorough reviews like this review by Susie Bright. I just needed to add my own comments here. Also, don't watch this, it's awful.

In other news, we got our Girl Scout cookies delivered today. Mmmmmmmmmmm.

Psi Phi Chi

2004-02-19T11:54:00.000-05:00

I guess it's been a while since I last posted. Larissa claims that people were asking me to post but I'm pretty sure she was mocking me. In spite of this emotional abuse, I've decided to give you all a short update.

So, I was wondering around the campus of Duke University, looking for some brains to eat, when a certain building caught my eye. It was pretty and gothic, like most of Duke is , but there was a sign posted with three strange symbols on it. (I think they were Greek, but what do I care? My siblings were tutored in the classics, but my parents kept me locked up in the basement because they said I was an aberration.) There were loud noises coming from inside and I could smell the kegs of Miller Light from at least 100 yards away. A little known fact about the porcupine moose is that we love us some cheap beer.

I strolled in to find a bunch of disheveled undergrads sitting in front of a television. They said they were members of a "fraternity." I asked them for a beer. They invited me to watch football with them.

Several hours and drinks later, I went outside for a piss. When I returned, "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" was on. One of the boys saw that I was back and quickly changed the channel, claiming that they had passed out during the football game and hadn't bothered to switch channels. I went upstairs to explore the rest of the house. I decided to go through their record collection. I opened up an O.A.R. case found a Justin Timberlake CD inside. I came back downstairs and this time they were watching "Sex and the City." Also, two of them were making out.

They freaked out when they saw me and begged me not to tell anyone, especially not their girlfriends. I promised to keep their secret as long as they let me eat their brains. Strangely, they went along with this, saying that no one would even notice.

I hung around for a week, drinking beer and taking Cosmo quizzes with them. I felt that it was time for me to move on, but they begged me to stay. They wanted to make me their mascot. I briefly considered their offer until they told me that this involved me wearing a wig and high heels. I may be a three-headed zombie moose of indeterminate gender, but I will NOT wear stilettos.

Monkey Vs. Robot

2004-02-11T23:48:00.000-05:00

That stupid bitch LArissa finally gave me permission to be the official political commentator for this journal. Logically, this makes sense. See, LArissa is too radical/leftist to provide anything close to an impartial view, HAir GeL is completely apathetic, and The MoOse is only interested in eating your brains. But I am a lesbian robot bent on renaming this planet LESBOplanet, so the world of politics is my natural domain. Also, any sentence with the word "bush" in it makes my TITanimum antennae go aquiver. I'm going to do a quick run-down of events leading to the 2004 presidential election.

This may be hard for you to believe, but I actually know George W. Bush personally. You see, we hail from the same Alma Mater. No, I'm not talking about Yale. This was before Yale. This was decades ago when we both were young and we attended the Monkey-Robot Elementary School. Bush was (obviously) enrolled in all the monkey classes. He was always at the head of his class, the smartest monkey in the school. The other monkeys were jealous and made fun of his more human-like features. Bush grew tired of being the outcast and decided to run away from the school. He went out into the world with the best monkey education that money could buy and was able to pass as a human. He ran for governor of TexaS, and the rest is history.

Now we have Senator John Kerry. You've probably seen him on television numerous times. To the casual observer, he may appear to be relatively normal. Ok, but I bet you're not just a casual observer. I bet you've noticed what I've noticed: his wooden voice, stiff angular movements, unusually thick head of (metallic) grey hair... Robot!

This should not surprise anyone. It's not like we haven't seen this all happen before. Anyway, my bet is on the robot this time.

Alveoli Alveola

2004-02-11T19:58:00.000-05:00

The lab that I work in is part of a major hospital. The hallway that I pass on my way to and from the lab has a smoking lounge. There are always people walking in and out of this lounge. Today, I saw a man leaving the smoking lounge who was pulling one of those stands that hold bags of intravenous fluid which are attached to you through a syringe needle in your forearm. I guess that I'm being judgmental, but it flips me out every time.

On a similar note, what is up with Frankie on the Real World smoking cigarettes? Does she not know what it means to have cystic fibrosis? See, this is what I love about reality television. In a show with a pre-written script, Frankie would probably be punished for this by ending up sick in the hospital, but real life never happens that way.

Texture Shine Texture Line

2004-02-06T01:31:00.000-05:00

I am an inanimate object. This is not as boring as it may sound. You might think that I would feel trapped in my inability to move myself but this is not the case. Inanimate objects are not like living things who want to eat and run and procreate. We are completely apathetic. This is because we live in non-linear time. We know when the universe began and how it will end. If you had this knowledge, then you would be apathetic as well.

Keratoconjuctivitis can't get me down.

2004-02-04T20:10:00.000-05:00

I got a new badge at work today. Under my picture, it says "Service Begins With Me." This makes me so happy.

Driving home from work I heard a song on the radio called "Stella was a diver and she was always down." This also makes me happy.

Did anyone see this week's The L Word where Jenny faints from low blood sugar? I burst out laughing, because she's the skinniest one on the show.

Girl or Boil

2004-02-03T19:16:00.000-05:00

I recently read an article in Newsweek magazine entitled "Brave New Babies." Basically, it was about gender selection among human couples. This idea began to concern me a great deal for two main reasons. One, the process of gender selection is rather expensive (up to $20,000) so this procedure can only be afforded by upper and upper-middle class families. Secondly, while the exact percentages differ depending on the country and the polling methods used, there is always a statistically significant preference for boys over girls. (I do not understand this trend since males are far more repulsive and unintelligent than their female counterparts but the human race is perpetually devoid of logic.) When added together, these two trends can only lead to a terrible conclusion: rich people will have fewer female offspring, while poor people will continue to have the same number. This will eventually cause an increase in the economic disparity between men and woman. As a metallic machine with no emotions, I do not care about the fate of you illogical meat puppets. However, as a lesbian robot with strong ambitions for world takeover that hinge on my ability to control women through pleasure, this is extremely disconcerting for me. If women have even less economic power in the future, then their manipulation will be less effective. I urge all women to undermine the sexual reproductive system by reproducing asexually through parthenogenesis!

Work and radio

2004-01-31T17:46:00.000-05:00

Today I went to the orientation for new radio DJs at WXDU, the Duke University radio station. Their application/training process is quite involved and complex. My reward is that I might get a radio show from 3-5am on Tuesday. Or 5-7am on Wednesday. There was this snobby girl from my high school at the meeting. I had hoped never to see any of those people again, but it doesn't help that I'm living in the same area.

Ok, I finally start working again on Monday so I can get off my lazy ass and get paid. Meanwhile, I have sold three books at half.com for about $50.

Your Instructions

2004-01-28T00:45:00.000-05:00

Because I eat brains, I have been endowed with super-cerebral powers. These powers allow me to see the points within the universe, and more importantly the connections between these points, and how we are all made up of these points and the connections between them. This is why nothing matters and simultaneously everything is important. This is why birth can be horrible and death can be wonderful. This is why you should want to sacrifice your brain to me, so that you may become a participant in our revolution.

Introduction

2004-01-27T01:35:00.000-05:00

I am a jar of hair gel. Okay, _technically_ I'm pomade but I hate that word. It sounds so vulgar. Anyway, I sit near Larissa's sink. Since she shuns most beauty products, I don't get used very often. Mostly she twists me open when she's going to the dyke bar or meeting some girl she thinks is hot. As if she even has a chance.

I sit on the bathroom counter and I see everything that goes on there. Each day I pray that she'll use up all of my insides and then throw me out. Even the landfill has got to be better than this living hell.

I had a lot of fun tonight. Larissa was washing her face so her head was right over the sink. She sneezed and hit her head on the faucet. Oh my god, it was hilarious. That should definitely leave a bruise.

Hey LArissa...

2004-01-27T00:49:00.000-05:00

Have you watched any episodes in the new season of Average Joe? The star, artist/model/former Miss Missouri USA, also goes by the name LArissa. Don't worry, she looks nothing like you. She's much hotter:

Lump

2004-01-26T23:44:00.000-05:00

There's a small lump in the back of my mouth, right next to my throat. I guess it's a canker sore but it doesn't hurt. I keep rubbing it with my tongue and it's flipping me out. I suddenly decided that I had throat cancer and my throat would close up and I would choke to death. This stuff happens to me all the time.

I think that one of my friends is depressed. I don't know what to do about it and I keep saying the wrong things. But I guess that there aren't any right things to say to a depressed person, either.

Introduction

2004-01-26T11:57:00.000-05:00

Larissa wasn't going to let me post here, but I told her that if she didn't I would eat her brains. It's not as if I haven't done it before. Last time, she stopped me by giving me her soul. I like her soul. It's warm and fuzzy and has a nice amber glow that lights up the dark cave I reside in.

I'm from the Tongass National Forest. (For all you ignorant fucks out there, it's in Alaska.) I was born to a nice, happy, normal moose family. They were disgusted to see that their newest family member had three heads and no distinguishable gender. The constant head buttings convinced me to run away. Now, I am fully grown, mature, and well-adjusted. I eat brains and that is why I have the power to control minds.

Introduction

2004-01-26T10:34:00.000-05:00

Since that dumb cunt LArissa isn't about to introduce me, I guess I'll have to do this myself.

I am a beautiful female robot, created to please women everywhere. Much to the chagrin of my three mothers (KElly, CHRIStina and LArissa), I have a secret agenda: world domination through sexual pleasure. First, I will find the perfect candidate (lackey) to be world dictator. I will seduce her and she will be enslaved to my agenda through her desire for me. With her beauty and wit and my political saVVy, we will win the hearts of the masses. Together, we will rule the world, but she will be only the figurehead. Our army of cyborg minions will do all our evil biddings in exchange for my "services."

Don't bother reading LArissa's posts. Mine are much better. For one thing, I have way more lesbian sex
than she does.

Introduction

2004-01-25T21:41:00.000-05:00

I am snowed in. Since I live in North Carolina, this is fairly unusual. I was reading blogs because I had run out of things to do. I'm pretty critical and I kept getting annoyed with what people were writing so I figured I should just write my own and then direct my criticism at myself. That sounds healthy, right?

Well, The L Word is on in about twenty minutes. The women are all frighteningly skinny, with ribs showing every time there's a sex scene. (As is usually the case in any television show or movie.) I guess I hoped for more in a lesbian show. Not that I won't watch it. Like I mentioned before, I am highly critical.